What to call the 2000s

• The Imma-Let-You-Finish Decade
• The I-Drink-Your-Milkshake Decade
• The Shit-Just-Got-Real Decade
• The Popped Collar Decade
• The Ed Hardy Decade
• The America-Will-Give-Up-All-Its-Principles-For-The-Illusion-Of-Safety Decade
• The Worst Decade

Ikea Project: Platonic Solid

Idea taken from: http://www.instructables.com/id/Big-lamps-from-Ikea-lampan-lamps./

Ten Best Albums of the 00's

1. Kid A (2000)- Radiohead

2. Neon Bible (2007) - The Arcade Fire

3. Hail to the Thief (2003) - Radiohead

3. The Eraser (2006) - Thom Yorke

4. American Idiot (2004)- Green Day

5. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (2005) - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah

7. The Strokes (2001) - Is This It

8. Avenue Q: The Musical (2003)

9. The Killers (2004) - Hot Fuss

10. The Hours (soundtrack) (2002) - Philip Glass

So 2004 is the year music peaked or I got old. I only considered albums in which I could say I liked and listened to the vast majority of the tracks.

Ten Best Television Series of the '00

1. Arrested Development

2. The Wire

3. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

4. Futurama

5. Big Love

6. Buffy the Vampire Slayer

7. 30 Rock

8. Freaks & Geeks

9. The Office

10. The Simpsons

(Not including shows I haven't seen a majority of the episodes. Sorry Sopranos, Mad Men...)

Ten Best Films of the 00's

1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

2. There Will Be Blood

3. Children of Men

4. Spirited Away

5. WALL-E

6. A.I.

7. Brokeback Mountain

8. The Prestige

9. The Royal Tenenbaums

10. LotR: The Two Towers

Basically, whatever AVClub thinks/tells me.

Early Maeby

An early acting role for Arrested Development's Maeby in the Sandra Bullock classic Hope Flopes. Serially, LOL. Thanks for catching this V.

Ski Free N00bs

What n00bs. Death is still inevitable even after hitting F. There is an infinite number of Ski Free monsters. Unless there is some Donkey Kongesque kill screen, the monster will eventually get you.

Things Bros. and I can agree on

• Family Guy: Yes, I find it funny.
• Sandals: I might not wear the "bro sandal" but I do like wearing my nerdy Birkenstocks.
• The Dave Matthews Band: I admit to listening to more than a little Dave back in the day.
• Taco Bell/Chipotle: Delicious. Period.
• Nihilism: I think at heart all bros. are hedonistic nihilists. I get that!
• The Hangover: Total bro. movie but totally hilarious (thanks to Ed Helms and Zac Grafitiasisis)
• It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Though I fear bros might misinterpret this show as praise of the ultimate bros lifestyle (like Wall Streeters seeing Wall Street as pro-capitalism/greed) but this is easily one of the funniest shows on television.

How long do you think this has been sitting in Michael's for?

I will get excited about anything these filmmakers do

I don't care if they are directing Date Movie 2 or writing the screenplay to Transformers 3.0: Fall of the Risen; I will be first in line to see the movie (or at least the trailer again and again). In order:

1.) Charlie Kaufman

2.) Wes Anderson

3.) Darren Aronofsky

4.) Spike Jonze

5.) Christopher Nolan

6.) Tim Burton

7.) Pixar (corporations are people)

8.) Alfonso Cuaron

9.) Quentin Taratino

10.) Richard Kelly (even after Southland Tales, still optimistic for The Box)

Meta Post: Actors Playing Alternate Universe Versions of Themselves

The problem I have with actors playing themselves in films is their relationship to other actors not playing themselves. For example, Cold Souls (haven't seen it) stars Paul Giamatti as Paul Giammati but what about Oscar-nominated David Strathaim? In this alternate universe, is there a David Strathaim? Does this character David Strathaim is playing look just like this this universe's David Strathaim?

Isn't kind of a kick in the face to these accessory actors? It basically implies that we can suspend our disbelief that David Strathaim is not David Strathaim even if Paul Giamatti is playing Paul Giamatti. It creates an actor hierarchy where we cannot believe a less famous actor is playing themselves if there is also a more famous actor playing a fictional character.

And don't get me started with Julia Roberts playing a fictional character that apparently looks just like Julia Roberts in Ocean's 12. Does Confessions of a Dangerous Mind not exist in the Ocean's universe? If it does, George Clooney must exist. Then is not George Clooney's character in the Oceans movies the splitting image of George Clooney in Confessions of a Dangerous Mind!? I have a real problem with this!

Match the Generic Names for Mysterious Things to their Respective Serialized Dramas

1. Lost
2. Dollhouse
3. The X-Files
4. Big Love
5. Firefly
6. Fringe
7. 30 Rock (bonus)
8. Buffy the Vampire Slayer

• a. The Attic
• b. The Dollhouse
• c. The Orchid
• d. The Others
• e. The Cigerette Smoking Man
• f. The Pattern
• g. The Hands of Blue
• h. The One
• i. The Compound
• j. The Hatch
• k. The Lone Gunmen
• l. The Black Oil

Highlight below for the answers!

1. c., d., j.
2. a., b.
3. e., k., l.
4. i.
5. g.
6. f.
7. h.
8. h.

How I feel

Remember the episode of Futurama where Bender goes to the island of
obsolete robots. One of those robots was powered by a water wheel that
she had to keep dunking in water to power. Periodically she would
realize she is running low on water and would panic running to the
water saying, "I'm not going to make it this time!"
I feel that way before each exam. But really, this time I'm not going
to make it!

The Coens Ranked

Today I had the double pleasure of seeing the trailer for the new Coen bros. movie A Serious Man and watching The Hudsucker Proxy. I also realized that with Hudsucker done I have seen their entire filmography. Naturally, I must rank their films now. I am going to make two exclusions: Intolerable Cruelty and Fargo. It has been too long since I have seen Cruelty, and I hardly remember it (bad sign). Fargo... was a while ago... and I don't know if I sat through the entire movie in one sitting even though I have seen parts of it many many times on TV. I know, I am terrible! But I can piece together the movie in my head, I promise! Still, it wouldn't be fair of me to rank it. So here I go:

1. The Big Lebowski
2. O Brother, Where Art Thou?
3. Barton Fink
4. No Country for Old Men
5. Miller's Crossing
6. Burn After Reading
7. The Hudsucker Proxy
8. Raising Arizona
9. Blood Simple
10. The Man Who Wasn't There
11. The Ladykillers

37 Amazing TF2 Screenshots

AKA what I have been doing the past year. Now you can experience the highlights of my 100+ hours of Team Fortress 2! As Comic Book Guy said right before being incinerated by a nuclear bomb, "Ohh, I've wasted my life."

Second Rule of Ikea: Expect the Unexpected

I thought it would be a good idea to put together the most complicated Ikea furniture I bought that was still portable enough to fit through doors and such. So I went about constructing za Hemnes dresser. Easy Peesy. Why do people always complain about how hard it is to....

That's funny. It looks like I am missing a fronts piece (AD reference) to the large and middle sized drawers. And the bottoms and sides. And the small drawers have no bottoms. And they gave me an extra sides piece but no back or top pieces for the dresser.

Good thing I decided to get this done here instead of 200 miles away in Augusta! Now I will just go to Ikea and pick up the missing pieces and return the extras.

Wait on line, ask for all of the pieces, wait some more. Hooray! Drive home. Time to finish this thing... Wait a minute, they gave me the top and back to the wrong dresser! Mine is the 8 drawer dresser not the 4 drawer one! How could you Ikea?! I even brought you the manual and circled all the missing parts. And you gave me the large sized side drawer pieces instead of the medium as I asked for and circled! And the bottom for the large drawer is all cracked!

Better make one final trip to the blue-and-yellow-deathstar. Wait in line, complain, get 20% off dresser. Wait some more, decide to look around. See a mirror in the as-is section, place it on trolley, put it back, decide to get a new one, new one has no cardboard packaging to protect it, put it back, went back for as-is mirror, decide mirror will be too hard to install, put it back, see the mirror on display near the bathroom, decide it is worth to get, return to the new mirror and purchase it. (Those counting that is returned the as-is one twice and the new one once). An hour or so has elapsed. I return to the front of the store to get the piece I was waiting for, and they still haven't gotten it. IKEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IKahn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Casting Team Fortress 2

Medic

Played by: Stephen Colbert


Why? He looks like the medic! Might be able to do a German accent?

Sniper

Played by: Hugh Jackman

Related role: Australian in Australia

Why? Can wear a hat and hold a gun. And is Australian.

Pyro

Played by: Jackie Earle Haley

Related role: Rorschach (Watchmen)

Why? Can act well behind a mask, can McGuiver himself a flamethrower on the spot

Soldier

Played by: Mickey Rourke



Related roles: The Wrestler, Sin City

Why? Tough mo-fo, blocky face, can play the lughead

Spy

Played by: Viggo Mortensen


Related roles: Eastern Promises, The Lord of the Rings, A Perfect Murder

Why? Can play stealth (LotR) and do some serious close range damage (Eastern Promises). Good with women (A Perfect Murder).

Demoman

Played by: Mos Def

Why? Mos Def is cool, the demoman is cool

Heavy

Played by: Vinnie Jones


Related role: Juggarnaut (X-Men 3)

Why? Large enough to hold Natasha

Played by: Simon Pegg

Related role: Scotty (Star Trek)

Why? Nerdy and overconfident

Scout

Played by: Tobey Maguire

Related role: Peter Parker (Spiderman)

Why? Quick, limber, NY based character

*Thanks Matt for the idea

The One Percent Doctrine

In Oliver Stone's non-hit movie W., there is a scene where Cheney explains his infamous One Percet Doctrine to Bush. Since Bush is either eating food or choking on food the whole movie, Cheney uses Bush's sandwich as part of his metaphor. (Poor Bush, always being talked down to, he is like Henry V without the winning of wars). Anywho, Cheney asked Bush Jr. if there was a one percent chance of the sandwich he was eating being poisonous would he eat it? No? Then logically we should invade Iraq to stop the one percent chance of Saudis trained in Afghanistan from acquiring a nuclear weapon from the bad guy from True Lies.

Do Republicans ever consider the One Percent Doctrine in light of global warming? In their minds, the science (aka their gut) is hazy on global warming. But what about the one percent chance that it is real? Wouldn't it be worth it for the economy to make a few minor concessions to protect us from the Day After 2012 tsunami clusterf#&@? At worst, a terrorist could destroy a city, global warming could make us extinct or more tragically leave one robot to clean up the mess.

So stop being useless GOP (and those 50 Democrats that voted against the moderate carbon emissions bill) and do what Dick Cheney would do! Waterboard a guy while officiating over a gay wedding.

The Four Signs of the Apocalypse

1. Transformers sequel: highest opening gross ever

2. Octomom/Jon&Kate

3. Fox & Friends

4. Lindsay leaving Videogum

The real trailer isn't much better.

Oh Videogum

How do you find these great videos? I also love the possibility that Maeby Bluth and Ellen Page are friends. Awesome. And the spinning shots are Michael Bay worthy.

Also, a videogame being made in conjunction with Lars von Trier's Antichrist? Holy. I never thought I would live to see the day a Lars von Trier film would be made into a video game. Please adapt Dancer in the Dark for Broadway! It will be the next Hairspray!

The MLIA post

My Life Is Average aka MLIA is the new Barack Obama Is Your New Bicycle. It is also the anti-Chuck Norris meme in that the most mundane daily incidents are flouted unlike Norris' superhuman feats. For instance, today, I got bored at work so I looked up my favorite MLIA posts and copy-pasted them to my blog. MLIA

• Today, I turned off the lights in my basement as I left. I was alone, so I ran up the stairs because it was dark. MLIA

• Today, the internet informed me that "the page cannot be displayed". I refreshed the page, and turns out it actually could be displayed. MLIA.

• Today I microwaved something for 33 seconds rather than 30 because it was easier to push the same button. MLIA

• Today, I set my alarm for 6 in the morning even though I didn't have to wake up until 8 just because I knew I would be able to fall back asleep for 2 more hours. MLIA

• Today I turned 11. I did not receive a letter from Hogwarts. MLIA

• Today, I tried to comment back on my friend's wall, but accidentally put it as my status. I deleted it as my status. No one noticed. MLIA.

• Today I installed a program and it asked if I had read and agreed to the terms and conditions. I hadn't, but I clicked 'yes' anyway. The program didn't know I lied, and began to install. MLIA.

• Today at school I leaned back in my chair and it made a farting noise. I casually did it again so everybody would know it was the chair. MLIA

• Today, I took a scantron test at school. I realized I got 5 b's in a row. I went back to check each one because it made me feel uncomfortable. MLIA

• Today, I read one page of a book. When I got to the bottom of the page, I realized that I did not pay attention to anything I had just read, so I reread it. MLIA

• Today, Microsoft Word decided to shut down without explanation. I chose not to send an error report to Microsoft. MLIA

• Today, I put my iPod on shuffle. I skipped most of the songs to get to the ones I like. MLIA

• Today, I wrote an English paper and when I double spaced it I felt like a champ. MLIA.

• Today I realized that the blinker of the car in front of me was synchronized with mine. Then I realized mine was actually a little faster. MLIA.

Thanks sistah for the tip!

Get ready for the future

(fictional) Doctors I Admire

• Dr. Rick Dagless: Where? Darkplace; Memorable Line: "We're doing all we can. but I'm not Jesus Christ. I've come to accept that now."


• Dr. Lucien Sanchez: Where? Darkplace; Memorable Line: "I'm Dr. Sanchez! You're a woman."


• Dr. Liz Asher: Where? Darkplace; Memorable Line: "Hi, I've come to apply for the doctor's job. I can assure you my credentials are top-notch, I've just graduated from Harvard College Yale. I aced every semester, and I got an 'A'. "


• Dr. House: Where? Space-age Princeton Hospital; Memorable Line: "It's not Lupus" and "Everybody lies"


• Dr. Leo Spaceman: Where? 30 Rock's resident physician. Degree? Ho Chi Minh School of Medicine; Memorable Line: "Unfortunately, we have no way of knowing where the heart is."


• Dr. Wordsmith: Where? some O.C. (don't call it that) hospital. Memorable Line: "He will be all right"


• Dr. Nick: Where? Springfield. Memorable Line: "Inflammable means flammable? What a country!"


• Dr. Hibert: Where? Springfield. Memorable Line: "Oh just because I am dressed as dracula and am black you assume I am blackula"


• Dr. Dorien & Dr. Turk: Where? Sacred Heart. Memorable Line: "It's guy love between two guys"


• Dr. Zoidberg: Where? Planet Delivery resident doctor. Memorable Line: "And I'm his friend Jesus!"

I know this isn't PC...

...but all Republicans look the same!

First Rule of Ikea: Don't go to Ikea

Here is a short run down of tips I have for Ikea:

Don't make the rookie mistake of going to Ikea blindly. I did this my first time. Another major mistake, going with other people especially other people who love to shop. First, you need to research what you want. Know exactly what you are looking for and what your gameplan is. You can do some browsing on the 1st floor/as-is section but know exactly what furniture you are considering. Also, and this is important, don't go in mid-to-late summer right before school starts. Full of college kids, very annoying. And those massive sales they have every season or so? You will need to get there hours before it opens to get a wrist band.

Before I went, I did considerable research online and by mail in catalog so I knew what furniture I wanted. Of course, you cannot plan for every scenario but wandering aimlessly will either get you killed or slowly drive you insane.

These rules also apply for Dekalb Farmer's Market and Target.

Which is which?

Tommy Wiseau or Conan O'Brien in a wig?

The Shopping Montage That Never Was

"In some of them I was like no. In others, I was like yeah"

I wish my high school pep rallies were more like this

It is a weird tradition. How do they make one high school hate the nearly identical neighboring high school? Man, high school was the worst.

Word of the Decade

Matthew 7:1 - (māth'yōō sev-uhn wuhn) - 1. (verb/noun): To not condone the judging of others. Used to indirectly judge someone thus gaining the higher moral ground. (see backdoor insult)

Usage: I knew she was a terrible person for voting Bush but I just Matthew 7:1ed her lest I be judged.

I am sick of his holier-than-though attitude. We should open up a can of Matthew 7:1 on him.

You Want This Car

I don't care if you are a fat, prescription drug addicted, neo-con radio talk show host who would rather the world end in global warming than admit he is wrong (you hear me, Clark Howard?)
Anyway, you want this car.

The Joy of The Wicker Man

I can't believe I was ignorant of this for so long. Many great YouTube videos but I picked this faux trailer made in Shinin' tradition.

Best Animated Film of 2009

Forget Up and certainly not Princess and the Frog. I am talking Ponyo by Hayao Miyazaki!

I watched too many movies as a child...

Cinematical has an on-going featuring going through the movie releases of summers past.  The most recent article was on the summer of 1998. I probably saw most of these on good old VHS and cable. I will asterisk the ones I remember seeing in theaters and bold the ones I own on DVD.

• He Got Game
• Les Miserables
• Deep Impact*
• Bulworth
• Godzilla** (saw twice in theaters)
• Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
• The Truman Show
• Can't Hardly Wait
• Dirty Work*
• Six Days, Seven Nights
• Mulan
• Dr. Dolittle
• Out of Sight
• Armageddon*
• Lethal Weapon 4
• Small Soldiers
• There's Something About Mary
• The Mask of Zorro
• Mafia!*
• BASEketball
• The Negotiator
• Halloween: H20
• Snake Eyes
• The Avengers
• Blade
• Wrongfully Accused
• Dead Man on Campus

I need to change my ways.

 Best movie is easily The Truman Show followed by Out of Sight (I remember falling asleep watching Out of Sight the first time, a rarity for me at any age). Difficult to pick a Worst Movie of the Summer of 1998 but I would go with Six Days, Seven Nights for being utterly forgetable. Although, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas was painful to watch.

LOL, remember Disturbing Behaivor? I sorta do. It was like the bad The Faculty (which is saying something). Teaching Mrs. Tingle? Surpisingly good. Kevin Williamson FTW!

And remember the Mark Wahlberg/Reese Witherspoon vehicle called Fear. "Let me in the house" FTW!

Threats of Coyote Ugly 2

http://mobile.theonion.com/siteserver/site?t=aYN3mEdOQHdh5zSLZbvqpg&sid=onion&tcid=QWCcef1f9451d5249059d9a8b5f7a22efe4

Pretty funny.

I am back Atlanta. Summer '09! Woooooooo.

Sent from my iPhone

RWB 4

Remember when Bush looked into Putin's eyes and saw his soul? No,
those aren't Coldplay lyrics. Sixth sense fail!

I wish all people on TF2 were...

1. girls

2. foreign

Conclusion: adorable

Watch more videos of TF2

Things I Liked This Month - April '09

• Where the Wild Things Are trailer
• Arlen Specter switching parties
• Neon Bible... still
• Team Fortress 2... still
• the Pacific Northwest
• Powell's Bookstore
• Obama
• Parks and Recreation
• One, Two, Three... Infinity
• Ikea

Dissapointment of the Month

• Sit Down and Shutup

Emory in the movies!

No, I am not talking about Into the Wild or the scene in Road Trip where the quad is supposed to be UT: Austin's. I am talking about the upcoming film adaptation of Deborah Lipstadt's History on Trial. Lipstadt, a Jewish Studies professor at Emory, had to go on trial to defend her claims that David Irving is a liar for denying the Holocaust. (Europe you are pretty cool but that kind of libel law is not cool). Anyway, she won! Cinemtical suggests a scholarly Emma Thompson play the role of Lipstadt, but may I offer a few suggestions?

• Lipstadt must outrun Nazis in a 1930s style motorcycle double seater by driving through the DUC in an ode to Indiana Jones III/IV.
• Lipstadt be played by Sarah Silverman. Hilarity and inappropriate Holocaust jokes ensue.
• Lipstadt throws Irving from the top floor of the Woodruff Library Vertigo-style.
• Lipstadt stands outside Harris dormitories and yells, "Cowards!"
• Lipstadt is a cantankerous professor who has a heart attack and dates a former student who is now an ER doctor. And her daughter is totally a Young Republican and has a loser brother played by Thomas Haden Church. It will be called The Problems of White People.

Things I Love To Hate

Note: I have zero to minimal knowledge of most of these things.

• Chik-Fil-A
• Brett Ratner
• Chris Columbus
• Jerry Bruckheimer
• American Idol and reality TV
• Carlos Mencia
• Nickelback
• Dane Cook
• College sports
• Libertarianism & all those Tea Baggers
• Michael Bay
• Two and a Half Men
• Hummer/Escalade aka FU-mobiles
• 50 Cent
• Tailgaters
• The Family Circus
• Abrecombie and Finch
• News Corp.
• Comcast
• EA
• Walmart
• Sarah Palin

Not Thundercats!

http://mobile.theonion.com/siteserver/site?t=xcPktp-jEfclqjFlITt1Gg&sid=onion&tcid=QWCcef1f9451d5249059d9a8b5f7a22efe4

GJ Onion identifying the four worst living directors.

Sent from my iPhone

Ultimate Movie Haiku

The Room
(dubbed over by Tommy Wiseau)

I did not hit her!
You are tearing me apart!
How is your sex life?

RWB 3

Remember When Bush... gave German Prime Minister Angela Merkel the most awkward back rub ever? YouTube sure didn't. Social encounter fail.

RWB 2

Remember When Bush... took his first of many record breaking vacations to Crawford to study stem cell research and reach a Solomonesque compromise? The result hindered advances in stem cell research for the next eight years. And the memo he got that August stating, "Bin Laden to attack inside America"? Science and intelligence fail.

Remember When Bush...

Times are rough that is why I created this new column? called Remember When Bush... to remind us of a time when one couldn't respect their elected leaders. I will recount a random memory of some crazy/terrifying/humorous/inept action of the Bush Administration (and maybe a GOP goon or two).

Remember When Bush... told the nation and NASA we need to go back to the Moon and Mars? Right in the middle of two quagmire wars to promote an expsensive new NASA program with dubious scientific benefits? Add this to the science fiction failures of the Bush years.

Haunted by Voice Actor

The last two PS3 games I played (Drake's Fortune/Prince of Persia) both feature a protoganist by the same voice actor Nolan North. He sounds like an aging bro, which is appropriate for Drake Fortune where you play an aging bro. But Prince of Persia? First, he is supposed to be Persian and second it takes place in some, I assume, magical past version of Persia. His constant sexual innuedos and sarcasm do not really match the setting. This guy is totally the Dane Cook of video games.

PS Happy 300th post!

My future apartment as envisioned by Ikea

I have too much free time on my hands.

Unfortunately, I couldn't add the corduroy couches and entertainment center in the bare upper-quadrant of this layout. No, this is not some minimalist Lars von Trier set, some walls were lowered to make furniture visible. 

Taking advantage of time travel

I often have thought if I traveled back in time could I use my modern knowledge base to my advantage. Like I see a really great movie or read an incredible novel and think to myself that if only I could travel back in time and take credit for this work (since a billion monkeys on typewriters have a better chance of producing such greats works of art than me).

Anywho, I came across this on the interwebs giving a scientific cheat sheet if one was to travel back in time. I think I could impress old timey people with my limited knowledge of quantum physics or relativity but once they  ask, "but why?" I would be in trouble.

Too Soon update

On tonight's Real Time with Bill Maher, Maher cracks a joke about Amelia Earhart getting lost in reference to a story Gore Vidal was telling about her to which the audience, naturally, booed. I knew it was coming and sure enough it did. "What, too soon?"

My first game of Noby Noby Boy

I have no idea what this game is about. Take Katamari and then take away any objective or hint of logic and you got Noby Noby. Still, it has a cool YouTube video upload feature.

My Best Synth Yet!

For you lucky XP/Vista users who read my blog (which is no one), you can see my epic Synth I took of the Golden Gate Bridge. 360 degree panorama awaits!

LOLs from my trip to Seattle

Drunk Jeff Goldblum and The Room.

"What do you think the greatest gift of the holiday is? INTERNET! I'd say internet. Yes, absolutely! Of course it is as easy as it has always been. You got an iMac, ten minutes out of the box you are on the internet. Now, Apple gives you your own personal web site. You can post your photographs for all your family to see all over the world, and your iMovies. And now YOU'RE the purveyor of, YOU'RE the generator of, YOU'RE the author of GREAT STUFF! Isn't it nicer to give than receive?"

LOL of the Day

Top 10 Hellscapes/Dystopias

1. Black Lodge - Twin Peaks

• Where the evil forces of Twin Peaks reside. It is an infinite regression of identical black and white tiled hallways and red cutrained rooms. Frank, Bob, the Man From Another Place and the gang reside here to collect their gobbleygook (whatever their word for fear is). Pretty scary stuff even for a Lynch world. Seeing a possessed Laura Palmer with blank white eyes screaming at an inhuman frequency is terrifying. Even a pure soul like Cooper cannot leave the Black Lodge unscathed. 
  

2. Internment camp - Children of Men

• Camp they send foreigners in a near-apocalyptic infertile Great Britain. It is a bunch of overcrowded tenements and squalor. An uprising erupts resulting in the army indiscriminately shooting at the angry mob and eventually carpet bombing the place to oblivion. Cuaron's frenetic direction adds a terrifying realism. Evocative of the darker aspects of 20th century history.
  

3. Other Home - Coraline

• So you are a kid forced to move to a house in the middle of nowhere with seemingly no TV or internet. Plus, it is raining all the time. (I am guessing the Pacific Northwest) I personally thought it looked like a cool place to live but would inevitably get dull fast. What gets even older fast is the fantasy world version of this house where everything outside of the immediate surroundings is the Construct from The Matrix. And the succubus inhabiting this other world creates creepy dopplegangers of your family and neighbors. REALLY creepy versions. And this succubus wants to take your soul as a collectible. This is a children's movie?
  

4. Mini New York - Synecdoche, New York

• Charlie Kaufman's ultimate meta hellscape. Again, Kaufman writes himself into his screenplay as a playwright who receives a Macarthur genius grant and decides to stage an ambitious play about death in what appears to be the largest airplane hanger ever built. Kaufman desperately wants to create something authentic and true, so what is more real than recreating the surrounding city and all its people inside this hanger? There is the problem of recreating the hanger inside the hanger inside the hanger inside the hanger... Not to mention that Kaufman's stand in, Philip Seymour Hoffman, needs an actor to play himself, but that actor also needs an actor to play himself and so on. I will not spoil the end but things do not work out in this faux New York. Kaufman tells a story about finding meaning in life by creating a facade of his own life. Let's just say he doesn't find it. But knowing you don't know is the first step to knowing, you know?
  

5. Future Earth - WALL-E

• Humanity has polluted themselves off Earth. All that is left is garbage, vacated Costcos, cockroaches, and one robot they never turned off. All plant life is gone and the earth has become a giant desert with periodic nighttime dust storms. Would be the ultimate hellscape if it were not for that one robot.
  

6. Apocalyptic Earth - The Road

• This is truly the apocalypse. Some unknown disaster wipes out the earth's ecosystem and the minority of humanity that survived is forced to live on whatever existed before the apocalypse (old cans of food, other people). There is no plant in a shoe savior in this future. There is zero chance of humanity surviving this which makes this gruelling story even more painful. What are the man and boy struggling for? Super duper nihilism.
  

7. Space Metropolis - Dark City

• The Strangers want to learn about love. To do this, they entrap a bunch of unsuspecting humans in a perpetual 1950s era metropolis with lots of steam punk gadgetry. Also, it is a giant Dollhouse where memories are erased and reconstructed into new identities. The lesson: it is not whats in the brain that makes us who we are, it's the heart. I guess so.
  

8. Small village - The Castle

• K. is trying to get to the castle. Everyone in the village knows about the castle but are unable to guide him there. K. spends the novel searching for something the reader knows he will never find. Makes you feel like you are taking crazy pills. Dark City features a similar plot.
  

9. Mysterious island - Lost

• Polar bears, smoke monsters, crazy French woman, boring flashbacks, ghosts, 1970s era science experiments, time travel, bloody noses, Others, other Others, Tailies, hatches/cabins/pirate ships/orchid. How can a rationalist like Jack hope to survive in this world?
  

10. City 17 - Half-Life 2

• Orwellian dystopia featuring Soviet styled architecture. Humanity is enslaved by beings of another world. We got crowbars, they have Striders. Once you blow up the city, there isn't much hope outside. Zombies, subterranean insects and the rest of the Combine await you. Even a portal gun can't make this into a rosy picture.
  

Any I miss?

Meta Haiku

Synecdoche, New York

Kaufman's horror film.
Existential fear and dread.
Fun for everyone.

It Begins

I cannot wait for this movie! (Watchmen was so a couple of weeks ago)

Yo Gabba Gabba: The New MTV?

Yo Gabba Gabba seems to be the best source on television for great music. After thoroughly enjoying Of Montreals song on brushing (where can I download this song?), I noticed Mates of States performed a song about including others in the episode "Game." Past bands include Jimmy Eat World and The Shins not to mention the upcoming episode featuring Jack Black. Was there an equivalent show when I was growing up? I don't recall Talking Heads performing on Eureka's Castle.

Recurrent Dream

So true. Though, it is only in reference to middle and high school classes. How can I overcome this fear? Does everyone have this kind of dreams or only nerds?

My most recent dream was I was taking a literature class third period but I never attended a single class and the final project was almost due. How could I have never attended a third period course? Anyway, I decided to do a report on The Chronicles of Narnia since I was already reading it for another class (what other class???). In conclusion, I think I got overwhelmed and decided to do nothing.

More Watchmen Nitpicking

One think I missed on my previous Watchmen kvelching post (is that right?). I understand why Snyder excluded this but it was also one of the key moments in the graphic novel. Near the conclusion, Laurie tells her mother that she knows the Comedian is her father and tells her she understands why she never told her. This happens in both the film and the book. But after Laurie and Dan leave, the comic cuts to a frame of Sally crying and clutching an old photo of the Comedian, revealing her secret admiration of the Comedian. I thought this was a particularly moving moment in a story that otherwise lacks much humanity. But adding this to the film would understandably confuse those unacquainted with Watchmen by adding yet another character with a back story. There were enough of those moments for those unfortunate viewers (WTH is that CGI cat!?!)

After some reconsideration (and listening to a podcast by Master of Everything Nerdy Kevin Smith), I decided this film is still a significant accomplishment. Snyder is not the most talented or experienced director around but he managed to bring the Unfilmable Graphic Novel to screen and did it fairly well to boot without selling out anything important. His intention (at least it seems) was to make a faithful adaptation of Watchmen first and a good movie second. Consider this against Nolan making The Dark Knight which is an all around great film but he had the advantage of having the flexibility to do what he wanted. So, yeah, the graphic novel is better and the movie feels like the reverse of a book-based-on-a-movie. But it is still a Watchmen movie. What's not to like?

More Haikus

Let the Right One In

The Swedish "Twilight"?
More violence than abstinence.
Stay away from pool.

Watchmen

Retribution. (out)
Who watches the Watchmen? (out)
God help us all. (out)

Watchmen: Pros/Cons

Pro

• Billy Crudup (Dr. Manhattan) and Jackie Earle Haley (Rorschach) give inspired performances.
• Dr. Manhattan's back story set to Philip Glass and (wisely) taken straight from the page (my favorite part of the original Watchmen) is perfection.
• Back story of Minutemen and Crimebusters told in photographic vignettes with Bob Dylan's The Times They Are A Changin'  in the background totally worked. Even the non-comic historical revisions (Dr. Manhattan meeting Apollo 11 on the moon, Veidt at Studio 54, Silhouette locking lips with a nurse in Times Square on V-Day) were worthy of Alan Moore's work if not a bit over the top.
• I know this is sacrilegious, but I liked the film's Climatic Big Reveal better than the comic!
• Leaving the worst part of the comic on the cutting room floor (pirate comic/ordinary bystander stories).

Con

• Visionary Director Zack Snyder's 300esque action sequences. Do we really need to see Silk Spectre II turning around in slow motion as a fireball nearly engulfs her? Just cause it's in the trailer doesn't mean you need to keep it in the film! The movie was long enough as is. While on the topic, did the Comedian try to defend himself against his assassin? The movie version features a Kill Bill inspired fight sequence. I had the impression he was passive to his murder.
• Visionary Director Zack Snyder's Forrest Gumpesque choice of soundtrack music. I get it; Watchmen is very much about America's post WWII transition. But these are serially the most cliched picks ever. Comedian's funeral to Simon and Garfunkel? Nite Owl II/Silk Spectre II's awkward sex scene to Hallelujah. Speaking of which...
• Nite Owl II/Silk Spectre II's awkward sex scene in Archie. You know how I know it was awkward? Cause the guy behind me said "that's awkward!" He also said that every time we saw Dr. Manhattan's glowing blue CGI phallus. And screamed, "Don't kill Roarsack!" So this dude may have not been the best source for film criticism.
• Did Veidt have a bizarre accent or speech impediment?
• Excessively violent! It was completely distracting and unnecessary. I don't remember Dan Dreiberg giving a Knot Top a compound fracture resulting in muscle and bone being exposed.
• I do appreciate that generally every major storyline was kept in place from the comic. But you cannot squeeze that much story into a <3>
• The whole film was sort of unnecessary. I left the screening feeling indifferent to it. Snyder didn't attempt to LXG the original content, and it was a fine, straight adaptation. But graphic novels are basically non-moving motion pictures. Why do a straight adaptation? Frankly, I would have appreciated a true "visionary director" (I am looking at you Terry Gilliam/Darren Aronofsky! QUITERS!) who would reinterpret the story to tell something different. An AVClub-My-Year-in-Flops-Fiasco version of Watchmen would at least be interesting. However, I know most people will never read Watchmen so at least the film gives a reasonably good telling.
• Finally, I am not happy with the Watchmen backlash this movie has created. Slate and the Wall Street Journal had articles denigrating the original graphic novel. Why do we need to re-evaluate the original graphic novel because of a mildly disappointing movie release? I get it; you don't like that a graphic novel was on Time's 100 Best Novels of the past hundred years. Give it a rest, it still rules and you know it you dorky English majors. 

Piedmont Dog Park

Happy Watchmen Day

Got my tickets for the 12:01 a.m. screening of Watchmen! Reactions to be posted soon. Early preview: NO SQUID MONSTER!?!?! WTH? Hollywood sell out! (Just joshin', I never cared for that subplot).
Just some food for thought, the only real difference between Dr. Manhattan and Dr. Tobias Funke is a condition called Never Nude (as is obvious from this image from the original comic).

My first Photosynth

Sorry Mac/Linux users, Microsoft hates you. But for the rest of you, check out my Photosynth of a pond I saw in New Orleans. Didn't work quite so well but it was able to stitch 5 or so photos together of the pond.

More Haikus

Coraline

Visually moving

Kid behind me terrified

Traumatized for life

Bottle Shock

Wow this was boring

"The next Little Miss Sunshine"

P. Travers is dumb

Lost Highway

Breasts and red curtains

And surreal antagonist

David Lynch smiles

Robocop

I am Robocop

I represent Fascist state

I also kick ass

Where Tracy Jordan and I agree

As the tagline of my non-hit movie Cruise Ship says, "I'm getting to
old for this ship."

Sent from my iPhone

Movie Haikus

I am going to give something new a try. In the tradition of my minimalist writing style (aka laziness), instead of writing a lengthy review or analysis of a film, which may require all sorts of grammar and punctuation, I will write a simple haiku. I never read nor write poetry but I have owned a Beanie Baby so I expect I am qualified.

A History of Violence

David Cronenberg

Auteur of heads exploding

No heads explode here

Alan Moore's Worst Nightmare

Watchmen: The Videogame

Is Nite Owl II fighting ninjas? Moore hasn't been this irate since Watchmen Babies in V for Vacation.

5 Scariest Metaphysical Lynch Characters

1. Garbage Monster - Mulholland Drive: One of the most terrifying film moments ever. It only appears for a few seconds but you totally don't see it coming (and cannot explain the reason for it).

2. Mystery Man - Lost Highway: Robert Blake in white makeup with a video camera. Made scarier by his real-life actions. 

3. Killer BOB - Twin peaks: Incarnation of pure evil, king of the Black Lodge, and wears a jean jacket ensemble. I imagine he smells and has poor hygeine.

4. Old Couple - Mulholland  Drive: WTH? Mini black-and-white elderly couple stalk Naomi Watts at the height of her insanity.

5. Kid and elderly lady - Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me: Not so terrifying on the television series but when he is running around in that mask, crazy scary.

Honorable Mention: Frank - Blue Velvet: A real blood and bones character but is too bizarre to exist in any world. And my favorite Lynch creation. 

"A candy-colored clown they call the sandman..."

My Favorite Dr. Horrible Lyrics/Quotes

Captain Hammer: Stand back everyone, nothing here to see! Just imminent danger and in the middle of it me! 

Captain Hammer: Seems destiny ends with me saving you.

Dr. Horrible: With my freeze-ray I will find the time to find the words...

Penny: Bad Horse, the thoroughbred of sin?

Captain Hammer:  It may not be too classy begging to just to eat. But you know who does that? Lassi. And she always gets a treat.

Captain Hammer: Home is where the heart is so the real home is in your chest.

Captain Hammer: She showed me there are so many different muscles I can flex. They're the deltoids of compassion. The abs of being kind. It's not enough to bash in heads, you have to bash in minds.

Dr. Horrible: Say it was Horrible! Get a pic, do a blog! Heroes are over with.

Philip Glassed

Top 10 Films of 2008

Since it is unlikely I will see any more Oscar-worthy pics before the Oscars I present here my grand Top 10 Films of 2008 (with many notable exceptions).

1. WALL-E
2. Doubt
3. Rachel Getting Married
4. The Dark Knight
5. Slumdog Millionaire
6. Milk
7. Frost/Nixon
8. Iron Man
9. The Fall
10. Speed Racer

A few of these will likely make the list once I catch them on DVD: Synedoche, New York; The Wrestler; The Curious Case of Benjamin Button; Paranoid Park (maybe Revolutionary Road and The Reader too; sorry Kate)

In retrospect, 2007 was a stronger year.

Astronomy Days

I was purusing my old photos and found these. They were previously available on my Microsoft Frontpage made Geocities page.

Favorite Blog of the Week

Fuck You, Penguin AKA Mark Walhberg angrily talks to animals.

Say hi to your mother for me.

Top 5 Most Anticipated Films of 2009

1. Watchmen
2. Where the Wild Things Are
3. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
4. Avatar
5. The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

Latest Arrested Development "Aha" Moment

Gob approaches their family attorney Barry Zuckercorn, who agrees to represent him to divorce his wife, a seal dealer who was sent to fight in Iraq.
Gob: "I just want my wife back!"
Barry: "Save it for the stand Tom Jane."

This is a reference to a previous episode where AD-Universe famous actor Tom Jane was undercover as a homeless man to do some method acting preparation for his role in Homeless Dad, a formulaic family comedy in which he spouts, "I just want my kids back!"

Another "aha" moment came while I was watching Michael Moore's Roger and Me. In his first documentary, there is a scene where the Flint elite are having a black-tie affair at a new prison opening, which is parodied in the season 2 episode Prison Break-in (the title of which is a reference to the prison show which I believe replaced AD's time slot after it was canned).

Finally, this may or may not be an intentional reference but Maggie Liezer, played by Julia-Louis Dreyfus, tells Michael (and I paraphrase), "you are only here for the baaaa-beee [baby]." This is reminiscent of Dreyfus' character on Seinfeld who in one episode mocked people obsessed with their own babies using the same inflection for the word baby.

Watchmen goes Viral

Is this the most polished viral video ever made for a film?

3H -> Dr. Manhattan = 3Li

Another Game I am Looking Forward To

From the creator of Katamari! It is only a month away and will cost an economic $5 (compared to the standard $60 for every other PS3 game).

Game I am Looking Forward To

From the creators of flOw, who prove that a game can be entertaining and beautiful without also giving me an anxiety attack.

Penny Marshall makes me laugh

especially in this SNL skit

Add to the Dead To Me List

Of Montreal, for selling their music to be in a commercial by the Great Satan, Comcast. What did they bribe you guys with, free Cinemax? Dissapointed, I am.

Terrifying Video of the Day

On the plus side, with a little black dye they would make great Sith robes.

Facebook Already Did It!

I decided for the first time since Freshman year to make a Facebook group (should only Facebook noobies make groups?) for my love and appreciation of Agent Cooper. An excellent marksman, knowledgable in both Tibetan Studies and Native American hieroglyphics, and a coffee connoisseur, he truly is a Renaissance Man. Of course, someone thought of my exact title: WWACD: What Would Agent Cooper Do?

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2337281803

Best/Worst Awkward Jokes of the Golden Globes

• Best Awkward Joke: Ricky Gervasis congratulating Kate Winslet on choosing to be in a Holocaust film for the inevitable award. (Apparently, this is a reference to a joke he made on his show Extras). Best movie awards joke since RBJ's speech in Tropic Thunder telling Ben Stiller he didn't get the Oscar for Simple Jack because he played it "full retard."
• Worst Awkward Joke: Sacha Baron Cohen's Guy-Ritchie-as-Madonna's-personal-trainer joke. I had to cover my face.
• And... Best Obscentity that Bypassed the Censors: Darren Aronofsky giving Mickey Rourke the finger.

I shall now quote from Tropic Thunder:

Kirk Lazarus: Everybody knows you never go full retard. 
Tugg Speedman: What do you mean? 
Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, 'Rain Man,' look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cards. Autistic, sho'. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, 'Forrest Gump.' Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. Peter Sellers, "Being There." Infantile, yes. Retarded, no. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard. You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, "I Am Sam." Remember? Went full retard, went home empty handed... 

Bush v. Obama: Inauguration Performing Acts

Bush 2001: Ricky Martin, Jessica Simpson, 98 Degrees

Obama 2009: Beyonce, Bono, Bruce Springsteen... and those are just the Bs.

Couric/Palin

25 years in the future...

The first female lead anchor of a major network's news division has the chance to give the second interview of the second female vice president candidate. Both are in the fights of their lives. Couric is third in network ratings and often criticized for being a mere "talk show host." This is her chance to prove to the nation she can take on one of the sharpest political minds of the Republican party.

From director Bryce Dallas Howard comes the riveting drama that defined the politics of the 21st century: the Couric/Palin interviews.

Couric, having worked her way up from Today show banterer to lead reporter of the CBS Evening News, walks into the interview expecting easy pickings after Palin's failed Gibson interview. However, in those intervening days, Palin had upgraded her wardrobe and effectively increased her folsky charm by an unprecedented 62%. Couric leaves the first five minute segment defeated. Cue research montage, where Couric combs through Palin's life's accomplishments. A minute later, she is back and dares to ask Palin what else McCain has accomplished in his decades long time in the Senate to prove he can handle the economic crisis. Palin befuddled slips into an incoherent mavericky daze and ends the interview.

Post-interview Palin furiously yells at her personal shopper, "You said there would be no questions on Troopergate! Or my record, McCain's record, or general world knowledge!" Cue montage of Palin flirting with U.N. dignitaries to brush up on her experience for the final interview segment. Couric, feeling sympathy for Palin and already gaining her career making moment, decides to give her a softball for her final question. "What newspapers do you read?" Palin panics, her Achilles heel, reading. Fast-forward to McCain's defeat.

American Studies: Cliff Notes

For all of my AS friends, from my new favorite webcomic, xkcd.

Top 10 Songs of 2008

These are the songs with the highest play count that I added to iTunes during 2008. I am surprisingly not too ashamed of the list. I didn't realize I was listening to the Juno soundtrack so much. That brings me great shame.

1. Messages - Xavier Rudd 
2. I Feel It All - Feist
3. Loose Lips - Kimya Dawson
4. Anyone Else But You - Michael Cera & Ellen Page
5. The Wake Up Song - The Submarines
6. Head Over Heals - Tears for Fears
7. So They Say - Dr. Horrible's Sing-along Blog
8. Bring on the Lucie (Freda Peeple) - John Lennon
9. You, Me, and the Bourgeoisie - The Submarines
10. By The Sea - Sweeney Todd Movie Cast