The One Percent Doctrine

In Oliver Stone's non-hit movie W., there is a scene where Cheney explains his infamous One Percet Doctrine to Bush. Since Bush is either eating food or choking on food the whole movie, Cheney uses Bush's sandwich as part of his metaphor. (Poor Bush, always being talked down to, he is like Henry V without the winning of wars). Anywho, Cheney asked Bush Jr. if there was a one percent chance of the sandwich he was eating being poisonous would he eat it? No? Then logically we should invade Iraq to stop the one percent chance of Saudis trained in Afghanistan from acquiring a nuclear weapon from the bad guy from True Lies.

Do Republicans ever consider the One Percent Doctrine in light of global warming? In their minds, the science (aka their gut) is hazy on global warming. But what about the one percent chance that it is real? Wouldn't it be worth it for the economy to make a few minor concessions to protect us from the Day After 2012 tsunami clusterf#&@? At worst, a terrorist could destroy a city, global warming could make us extinct or more tragically leave one robot to clean up the mess.

So stop being useless GOP (and those 50 Democrats that voted against the moderate carbon emissions bill) and do what Dick Cheney would do! Waterboard a guy while officiating over a gay wedding.

The Four Signs of the Apocalypse

1. Transformers sequel: highest opening gross ever

2. Octomom/Jon&Kate

3. Fox & Friends

4. Lindsay leaving Videogum

The real trailer isn't much better.

Oh Videogum

How do you find these great videos? I also love the possibility that Maeby Bluth and Ellen Page are friends. Awesome. And the spinning shots are Michael Bay worthy.

Also, a videogame being made in conjunction with Lars von Trier's Antichrist? Holy. I never thought I would live to see the day a Lars von Trier film would be made into a video game. Please adapt Dancer in the Dark for Broadway! It will be the next Hairspray!

The MLIA post

My Life Is Average aka MLIA is the new Barack Obama Is Your New Bicycle. It is also the anti-Chuck Norris meme in that the most mundane daily incidents are flouted unlike Norris' superhuman feats. For instance, today, I got bored at work so I looked up my favorite MLIA posts and copy-pasted them to my blog. MLIA

• Today, I turned off the lights in my basement as I left. I was alone, so I ran up the stairs because it was dark. MLIA

• Today, the internet informed me that "the page cannot be displayed". I refreshed the page, and turns out it actually could be displayed. MLIA.

• Today I microwaved something for 33 seconds rather than 30 because it was easier to push the same button. MLIA

• Today, I set my alarm for 6 in the morning even though I didn't have to wake up until 8 just because I knew I would be able to fall back asleep for 2 more hours. MLIA

• Today I turned 11. I did not receive a letter from Hogwarts. MLIA

• Today, I tried to comment back on my friend's wall, but accidentally put it as my status. I deleted it as my status. No one noticed. MLIA.

• Today I installed a program and it asked if I had read and agreed to the terms and conditions. I hadn't, but I clicked 'yes' anyway. The program didn't know I lied, and began to install. MLIA.

• Today at school I leaned back in my chair and it made a farting noise. I casually did it again so everybody would know it was the chair. MLIA

• Today, I took a scantron test at school. I realized I got 5 b's in a row. I went back to check each one because it made me feel uncomfortable. MLIA

• Today, I read one page of a book. When I got to the bottom of the page, I realized that I did not pay attention to anything I had just read, so I reread it. MLIA

• Today, Microsoft Word decided to shut down without explanation. I chose not to send an error report to Microsoft. MLIA

• Today, I put my iPod on shuffle. I skipped most of the songs to get to the ones I like. MLIA

• Today, I wrote an English paper and when I double spaced it I felt like a champ. MLIA.

• Today I realized that the blinker of the car in front of me was synchronized with mine. Then I realized mine was actually a little faster. MLIA.

Thanks sistah for the tip!

Get ready for the future

(fictional) Doctors I Admire

• Dr. Rick Dagless: Where? Darkplace; Memorable Line: "We're doing all we can. but I'm not Jesus Christ. I've come to accept that now."


• Dr. Lucien Sanchez: Where? Darkplace; Memorable Line: "I'm Dr. Sanchez! You're a woman."


• Dr. Liz Asher: Where? Darkplace; Memorable Line: "Hi, I've come to apply for the doctor's job. I can assure you my credentials are top-notch, I've just graduated from Harvard College Yale. I aced every semester, and I got an 'A'. "


• Dr. House: Where? Space-age Princeton Hospital; Memorable Line: "It's not Lupus" and "Everybody lies"


• Dr. Leo Spaceman: Where? 30 Rock's resident physician. Degree? Ho Chi Minh School of Medicine; Memorable Line: "Unfortunately, we have no way of knowing where the heart is."


• Dr. Wordsmith: Where? some O.C. (don't call it that) hospital. Memorable Line: "He will be all right"


• Dr. Nick: Where? Springfield. Memorable Line: "Inflammable means flammable? What a country!"


• Dr. Hibert: Where? Springfield. Memorable Line: "Oh just because I am dressed as dracula and am black you assume I am blackula"


• Dr. Dorien & Dr. Turk: Where? Sacred Heart. Memorable Line: "It's guy love between two guys"


• Dr. Zoidberg: Where? Planet Delivery resident doctor. Memorable Line: "And I'm his friend Jesus!"

I know this isn't PC...

...but all Republicans look the same!

First Rule of Ikea: Don't go to Ikea

Here is a short run down of tips I have for Ikea:

Don't make the rookie mistake of going to Ikea blindly. I did this my first time. Another major mistake, going with other people especially other people who love to shop. First, you need to research what you want. Know exactly what you are looking for and what your gameplan is. You can do some browsing on the 1st floor/as-is section but know exactly what furniture you are considering. Also, and this is important, don't go in mid-to-late summer right before school starts. Full of college kids, very annoying. And those massive sales they have every season or so? You will need to get there hours before it opens to get a wrist band.

Before I went, I did considerable research online and by mail in catalog so I knew what furniture I wanted. Of course, you cannot plan for every scenario but wandering aimlessly will either get you killed or slowly drive you insane.

These rules also apply for Dekalb Farmer's Market and Target.

Which is which?

Tommy Wiseau or Conan O'Brien in a wig?

The Shopping Montage That Never Was

"In some of them I was like no. In others, I was like yeah"